So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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