Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
