I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
