The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
