all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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