someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
