My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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