dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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