Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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