his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
