I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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