When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I have aggressive nipples.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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