One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
