I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
i drank out of a bidet.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
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