this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
