It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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