I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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