The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I skipped work to stalk him.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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