This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize