He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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