How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize