I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
