Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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