Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
