how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
