Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
