I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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