So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
