Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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