where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize