you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
