When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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