woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
