Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
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