I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Randomize