found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
