just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
