You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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