Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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