Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
