i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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