Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize