we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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