Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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