That's when you crack a 10am beer
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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