Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
