I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
