apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
there is puke in my bra ... again
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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