I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
