Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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