somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize