i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
