just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
