I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
