I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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