Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
