You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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