I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
