Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
