cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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