she woke up with a sticky ear
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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