I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
