I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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