wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I wish life had little blips of pornography
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
