dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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