just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
