mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
