I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
